“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?”
“I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.”
“You never realize how short a month is until you have to pay alimony.”
“The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.”
“Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.”
“If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.”
“My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.”
“I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.”
“I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.”
“Economics: America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.”