“In his private heart no man much respects himself.”
“I do not like work even when someone else does it.”
“Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.”
“Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.”
“It is difference of opinion that makes horse races.”
“It is a good and gentle religion, but inconvenient.”
“He liked to like people, therefore people liked him.”
“Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.”
“Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.”
“True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god.”
“Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.”
“Accident is the name of the greatest of all inventors.”
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”
“Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.”
“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”
“Damn the subjunctive. It brings all our writers to shame.”
“I was young and foolish then; now I am old and foolisher.”
“His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.''”
“A man cannot be made comfortable without his own approval.”
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
“A crank is someone with a new idea -- until it catches on.”
“Put all your eggs in one basket and then watch that basket.”
“Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.”
“My parents were neither very poor nor conspicuously honest.”
“The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”
“Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.”
“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”
“I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.”
“Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.”
“Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.”