“An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.”
“A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills.”
“Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.”
“Duty. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.”
“Deliberation. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.”
“Peace, in international affairs, is a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.”
“The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.”
“The gambling known as business looks with severe disfavor on the business known as gambling.”
“Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.”
“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”
“They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.”
“Bigot, one who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.”
“An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
“A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker.”
“Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.”
“Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.”
“Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
“Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”
“A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be.”
“Wit. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.”
“Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.”
“Corporation. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.”
“Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.”
“Genealogy. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.”
“Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.”
“Education is that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
“Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.”
“Pray. To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.”
“Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.”
“Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.”