“Never accept a drink from a Urologist.”
“I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.”
“Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.”
“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again.”
“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Time is 18 years.''”
“You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.”
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, ''I used everything you gave me.''.”