“Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker.”
“Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.”
“One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.”
“Man is a victim of dope in the incurable form of hope.”
“How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!”
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
“The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.”
“I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.”
“Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.”
“Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.”
“Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.”
“The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.”
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.”
“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.”
“The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.”
“Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?”
“Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.”
“The further through life I drift the more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift.”
“If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.”
“Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”
“No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.”
“A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.”
“There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is enjoy earning it.”
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.”
“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.”
“And one of his partners asked ''Has he vertigo?'' and the other glanced out and down and said ''Oh no, only about ten feet more.''”
“If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.”
“Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.”
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.”
“Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.”