“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
“There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it.”
“A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.”
“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”
“It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.”
“My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine -- everybody drinks water.”
“There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.”
“There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.”
“To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler and less trouble.”
“Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.”
“He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.”
“There isn't a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as ''American.''”
“The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them.”
“Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered -- either by themselves or by others.”
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
“Temperate temperance is best; intemperate temperance injures the cause of temperance.”
“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”
“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards.”
“There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus.”
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
“Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”
“The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them.”
“There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.”
“Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.”
“The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.”
“It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.”
“When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”
“It is nobler to be good, and it is nobler to teach others to be good -- and less trouble!”
“We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.”
“What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing, he knew nobody had said it before.”