“Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied.”
“I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.”
“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe.”
“A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose.”
“Barring that natural expression of villainy which we all have, the man looked honest enough.”
“Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.”
“One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that the cat has only nine lives.”
“A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.”
“I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much of it.”
“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”
“Noise proves nothing, Often a hen who has laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.”
“A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.”
“Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.”
“You perceive I generalize with intrepidity from single instances. It is the tourist's custom.”
“Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.''”
“A soiled baby, with a neglected nose, cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.”
“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -- you see, I have friends in both places.”
“To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.”
“The banging and slamming and booming and crashing were something beyond belief. [On Lohengrin]”
“Public opinion is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.”
“The cross of the Legion of Honor has been conferred on me. However, few escape that distinction.”
“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.”
“To stop smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know; I've done it a thousand times.”
“Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either.”
“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.”
“I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.”
“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“Intellectual ''work'' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward.”