“Call the bald man, ''Boy;'' make the sage thy toy; greet the youth with solemn face; praise the fat man for his grace.”
“Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.”
“When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.”
“Woman! The peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch, and the sinner his justification!”
“A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.”
“What a man calls his ''conscience'' is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.”
“Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts and his higher nature -- and another woman to help him forget them.”
“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they ''don't understand'' one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”
“A man can become so accustomed to the thought of his own faults that he will begin to cherish them as charming little ''personal characteristics.''”
“A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.”
“Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it.”
“Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her -- when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?”
“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”
“There's so much saint in the worst of them, and so much devil in the best of them, that a woman who's married to one of them, has nothing to learn of the rest of them.”
“A widow is a fascinating being with the flavor of maturity, the spice of experience, the piquancy of novelty, the tang of practiced coquetry, and the halo of one man's approval.”
“When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.”
“Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.”
“After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.”
“No girl who is going to marry need bother to win a college degree; she just naturally becomes a ''Master of Arts'' and a ''Doctor of Philosophy'' after catering to an ordinary man for a few years.”
“To make a man perfectly happy tell him he works too hard, that he spends too much money, that he is ''misunderstood'' or that he is ''different''; none of this is necessarily complimentary, but it will flatter him infinitely more that merely telling him that he is brilliant, or noble, or wise, or good.”